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About Literature / Hobbyist Y2Jinstien20/Male/United States Group :icongrammarnazicritiques: GrammarNaziCritiques
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This is a great piece of art, and you can probably tell with the way I put it in my favorites before starting this critique. The robot ...

You have a very good start here, and a clear idea of what you want this drawing to be. The line work is OK, but could be better. You ha...

This is an OK drawing. For one thing, your line work is very impressive. Their not too bold, but bold enough to be noticeable. The deta...

You did a great job with this critique. I just have two real problems with it. One, when you explained why you hated these shows in the...

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Louise's Mother's Day Surprise

A little one and a half year old Louise was in the restaurant, watching her father clean the place up. She thought she could help, and grabbed a napkin from the dispenser, and started to rub it on the table she was sitting on like her Dad was doing. Her father saw this, and chuckled a little before coming over. "Hey Louise, what're you doing?" Bob asked. Louise stopped to look up at him, and waved the napkin in his face. "I'm helping Daddy clean," Louise responded happily.

Bob just shook his head and took the napkin from her. "Louise, don't worry about it. You just worry about relaxing until Mommy comes back from dropping the kids off at preschool," Bob told her as he went back to the counter. Right at that moment, Linda came back. "Mommy! Mommy!" Louise yelled trying to get her mother's attention. Linda noticed and came right over to Louise. "Hi Louise, how was your day at the restaurant with Daddy?" Linda asked. "Good. Can you pway with me?" Louise asked. "I'll play with you in a little bit, but I need to talk to Daddy first," Linda said as she went over to Bob.

Louise started babbling to her Kuchi Kopi stuffed animal, when she heard her parents talking about something he had never heard about before. "So Linda, what are Tina and Gene gonna do in preschool today? They seemed excited to go today," Bob asked, having never seen his children that happy to go to preschool. "Oh, they're making Mother's Day cards today, and they're gonna have construction paper, glitter, and all that stuff to make really good cards. Oh! I'm so excited!" Linda said in a sing song tone.

Louise looked at her mother like she was crazy. 'Moters day? What that?' Louise thought before her mother picked her up and took her to her room. "So, sweetie, what do you want to play?" Linda asked, while Louise was still thinking about 'Moters Day'. "Mommy, what Moters Day?" Louise asked, her eyes filled with curiosity. "Oh, well Louise, Mother's Day is a day when the children of mothers gets some sort of gift for the mother to show how much they value her and appreciate her," Linda explained. "What's a 'gift'?" Louise asked. "Well, a gift is something someone else buys for you, like your bunny ears. They were a gift from Mommy to you," Linda said as she tickled Louise, causing her to start laughing.

When the tickling stopped, Louise had one more question for Linda. "Mommy, when is Moter's day?" Louise asked. "Tomorrow, sweetie," Linda said as she left the room. When Gene and Tina came home, they had told Linda that they had finished their cards, but weren't going to show her until tomorrow. Louise, however, got a look at the cards as she snuck into their backpacks, and found cards covered in glitter and words that she couldn't read. This made Louise a little angry.

Despite not even being two years old, Louise always had a bit of a competitive streak. Whatever her siblings did, she wanted to do better, and faster. She started races with them, even when she used to only be able to crawl. She tried to eat faster than them, go to sleep faster, etc. Louise always felt a rush of pride when she was able to beat both her older siblings at something. She wanted to make a better gift for Mother's Day than both Gene and Tina. But first, she wanted to look at the cards again, to see if there was something that she could do.

"Shiny," Louise said simply as her 1 ½ year old brain was focusing on the shine the glitter was causing. She also saw that the paper was colorful, and that there were some words on it. Louise couldn't write at all, so she knew that writing was out of the equation. She then got an idea; she would draw her mother a picture. Louise got her favorite box of crayons from her toy chest, and went to look for some paper. Louise wanted something big, and she couldn't find a piece of paper big enough. Louise then saw the wall, and remembered that her Dad had said that the wall was covered in paper. Louise smiled as she got an idea. 'Mommy's gonna be so happy,' Louise thought as she got her crayons ready.

The Next Morning…

"Happy Mother's Day, Mommy," Gene and Tina said together as they handed their cards to Linda. "Awww, thank you my babies," Linda said as she kissed both of them on the forehead. Louise watched on with a happy look on her face as she knew that she had Mother's Day in the bag. Bob looked at the cards and mumbled "Man, those cards look like shit". Linda then turned around with an angry look on her face. "BOBBY! Don't curse around the children, they'll copy it," Linda told him. Louise heard the word and thought 'Ha ha, it sounds funny'. "Shit, shit, shit," Louise said. Linda then glared at Bob. "You see that, Bobby? She's learning inappropriate words from you…again," Linda told him. "When has she ever learned bad words from me?" Bob asked. "Don't make me have a flashback," Linda told him.


Bob was grilling some burgers with Louise in the background. Bob almost tripped on something, but got his finger on the grill. "OW, DAMMIT!" Bob yelled. Louise then put her hand up like her dad and said "Ow, dammit!" Louise copied.

Another flashback…

Louise was helping Bob move some things, even thought she was only moving the light stuff. Her Dad then picked up a box, but he couldn't carry it, and it hurt his back. "Crap, come on," Bob said as he tried to pick it up again. Louise looked at Bob and said "Crap, crap, CRAP"!

Back to Present Time…

"OK, OK, point taken," Bob said as Linda went to hug Tina and Gene. "Thank you kids, you made this a great Mother's Day," Linda said as she was about to leave, but Louise tugged on her shirt. "Mommy! I made something for you. It big!" Louise told her mother as she tried to tug her Mother's arm. "Well, OK, Louise, let's go," Linda said as Louise ran up the stairs. Bob decided to follow them, wondering what Louise made. When they got up the stairs, they saw a giant drawing of Linda…on the wall next to Louise's bedroom door. "SURPWISE!" Louise said as she pointed to the drawing.

"Louise, why did you draw on the wall? We told you not to do that," Bob said, trying to keep his anger in check, not wanting to make his little girl cry. "I wanted to make big gift for Mommy. Paper on wall was big," Louise said, pointing to the wallpaper. "Louise, you're not supposed to draw on the wallpaper," Bob said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "AWWWWWWWW!" Linda said as she scooped Louise up in a hug. "This was a great gift sweetie Thank you," Linda said as she hugged Louise. "I wuv you too, Mommy. I apwe…ap…apweshee…" Louise said, trying to think of the word Linda had told her. "Appreciate, sweetie?" Linda told her. Louise nodded her head.

"Alright, well, I'm going to get some soap and water," Bob said as he turned around to go downstairs. "Wait, Bobby. I want to take a picture of it first," Linda said, with Louise nodding vigorously in agreement. Bob sighed and gave them the camera. Linda then took a couple of pictures of the drawing before giving the camera back to Bob.

Some time later…

Bob was almost done cleaning Louise's drawing from the wall, when she felt little arms hug her from behind. "I'm sowwy I draw on wall, Daddy," Louise said while hugging his neck. Bob jut smiled back at her. "It's OK, Louise. You did this for Mommy. But, just do it again," Bob said as he went to dip the sponge in the bucket one last time, but he hit the rim of the bucket, which caused water to spill on the floor. "Ah, fuck!" Bob said before covering his mouth knowing that Louise was right there. "FUCK!" Louise yelled out. "BOBBY!" Linda screamed angrily as Bob shuddered at the thought of his punishment.
Louise's Mother's Day Surprise
Toddler Louise wants to do something big for Mother's Day, what will she do? Also, Bob needs to stop cursing around Louise. Read and find out what happens. Be sure to read and comment on this, and my novel, Tokyo's Black Bullet;…
Did you know that the new horror movie "Get Out" was written by Jordan Peele of Key and Peele? The guy who was in a skit about paint smears being nipples is writing a race based horror movie? It looks good from the trailers.
For all my WWE fans, which do you think is a bigger feat of strength;

Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant at WrestleMania 3, or Cesaro slamming the Big Show at WrestleMania 30?

Me personally, I think Cesaro slamming the Big Show was the bigger one, because Cesaro, despite his amazing strength, looks less likely to do those types of things than Hulk Hogan.
Did you know I had a teacher who made fun of me for getting beat up? No joke!

I had just gotten punched in the face 5 times, and got my glasses broken, and when I went into class after spending time in the guidance office, she made fun of me about it and laughed at me!

One of the many, MANY reasons why I hate Middle school, and the reason why if Mark Twain Middle School burned to the ground, I'd be dancing on top of the ashes.
So, I was thinking of making a Recess fanfiction based on one of the scenes in a Horrible Harry book involving a playground wedding. What do you guys think?
Into the Unknown

Chapter 1: Secrets Revealed

   Washington D.C.; home of America’s most famous landmarks. These landmarks include the Washington Monument, the Lincoln Memorial, and the most important, the White House. It is the capital of the United States and houses some of America’s most powerful people. But…we’re not looking at that part of D.C. We’re looking at the more populated part of D.C. The part of D.C. full of broken down buildings, drug dealers, and construction, lots and lots of construction. There was a sidewalk on 1st Street that was covered in boxes. These boxes were homes for the homeless men of D.C. One of those homeless men was a man by the name of Johnny Hoteye.

At first glance, he may just look like your everyday homeless man. He had long unkempt grayish brown hair and a beard to match. He was also skinny, shaking, and was covered head to toe. He wore a big winter coat, a fluffy wool hat, light grey sweatpants, and boots. What may surprise you was that Johnny was once like a celebrity. Back in the 80’s, Johnny Hoteye was a famous detective, solving cases of all kinds left and right. These cases ranged from a serial shoplifter in a rabbit suit, to a serial killer who kills his victims with a chainsaw. He was on top of the world. But then came…the 90’s.

Like many 80’s celebrities, he experimented with street drugs, his favorite being cocaine. The result of this experiment was that Johnny becoming addicted to cocaine. He, surprisingly, was able to avoid serious controversy, until 1994. He and his team had just found a serial rapist that had violated almost thirty women in the span of a month. When they arrested him, they found something about the rapist that caught Johnny’s attention; he was a top cocaine dealer in D.C. So against his better judgment, Johnny made a deal with the rapist; if the rapist could supply Johnny with a large amount of cocaine, then he would hide some of the more incriminating evidence against the rapist.

The rapist, however, had his own plan in mind. He had kept a hidden tape recorder in his shirt, and went to the other lead detective, and played him the tape, with the motivation of hoping to escape the possibility of the death penalty. When the investigator heard this, he was furious, and fired Johnny on the spot. This turned out to be for nothing, as the rapist was still put on death row after he was convicted. After being fired, Johnny bounced around D.C. taking up a bunch of odd jobs, trying to get his life back on track and beat his addiction. He worked as a waiter, a clown, and a door to door salesman. After months of hard work, he made enough money to go to a rehab center that was supposed to be the best in the entire D.C. area. After 6 months, he was cured of his addiction, and went out on his own.

Since it was snowing, Johnny spent most of the time in his box. He was currently out of it with a cup in his hands. “Spare change?” Johnny asked as a man in a business suit walked by. When the man ignored him, Johnny glared at him. “Fine! I didn’t want your money anyway!” Johnny yelled before he saw a woman walk by. “Spare change, ma’am?” Johnny asked. The woman ignored him as well, causing Johnny to get mad again. “You know what!? That’s fine! They’re probably a million people generous enough to help a poor old man!” Johnny yelled again before another woman came walking by with a baby stroller.


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ckallio Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Student Writer
Good Game, we should do it again sometime. 
Y2Jinstien Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Writer
Yeah. I'm game.
Antisapien Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey man I noticed you stopped watching me and that is okay. You are still welcome at my page. :)
TheCrimsonMayhem Featured By Owner 3 days ago
I am your God now! Mr. Enter just hired me to be his newest video editor! Wish me luck! :D
SpiritWritten Featured By Owner 5 days ago  New Deviant
Who's your favorite character on Teen Titans? My favorite is Raven
Y2Jinstien Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
I never really had a favorite. Maybe Starfire.
SpiritWritten Featured By Owner 5 days ago  New Deviant
So your a RWBY fan hu? Who's your favorite character? Mine is Blake.
Y2Jinstien Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Ruby and Jaune.
ckallio Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2017  Student Writer
So your thoughts on tonight's ppv?
Y2Jinstien Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Cool to see Bray FINALLY a champ. I'm suprised they gave the belt to Naomi though. And...I hope that damn Nikki and Battle feud would just end! They're great wrestlers, but they act like they were trained by Tommy Wiseau.
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